Staring at the flat green ultrasound screen, all I could think was, it isn't possible. I was so careful to eat right, stay healthy, do everything I could.
My obstetrician brought in two other doctors to confirm the ultrasound. I had lost my baby in utero at 29 weeks. It still seemed like a bad dream when I had to make that horrible phone call to my husband and tell him to come to the hospital. We had planned this pregnancy, found out it was a girl, and named her. We had talked about how we were going to raise her and love her and teach her all sorts of things. We had been in excited anticipation of her future the entire pregnancy. And now, I had the task of telling my husband she was gone.
Our doctor sent us home for the night to get some rest (if we could) before labor was induced the next day for delivery. My husband and I couldn't go home. We stopped by quickly and gathered some clothes and headed to his parents house 30 minutes away. We didn't want to be alone that night.
After I delivered our daughter, Anne, the next day, our doctor and the staff let us hold her as long as we needed. She was perfect – just like I knew she always was. A perfect two pound angel.
What caused me to lose Anne? My doctor said the umbilical cord was inserted wrong in my placenta and therefore my daughter was not getting enough nutrition and oxygen. There was no one to blame. It took me a long time to let myself come to terms with that. I questioned everything in my life right down to the food I ate. I thought there must be a definitive answer for WHY? Not so. It just happened.
I was invited to attend a group called SHARE Parents. I was surprised to find out that one in every five women experiences this kind of loss. Whether it is a miscarriage or losing a child at birth. I also found out that there are numerous ways to deal with, move on, and grow from such a loss.
After speaking with a nurse from the delivery unit of Logan Regional Hospital where I delivered Anne, I discovered that just twenty five years ago society as a whole and the medical field did not address ways to cope with infant loss or miscarriages. They simply removed the baby from the mother's sight as soon as possible and sent her home, almost as if the child had never been. This, they thought, was in the mother's best interest for moving on. However, today women who experience such a loss are cared for much differently. Medical professionals have now recognized the emotional health effects of infant loss on the mother, father, and family involved. Below are several key ways that have helped myself and others like me come to terms with the loss of an infant or a miscarriage.
1) Name your child if you haven't already done so. This will help you and family members feel that he or she was truly a part of your family.
2)If possible, hold your child. When my husband and I were able to hold Anne for a couple of hours at the hospital we felt a special peace from holding and touching her little fingers and legs and seeing how she looked like us.
3)Take pictures or have someone do that for you. Sometimes grief/loss groups will come and take pictures of your child for you dressed in a beautiful white dress or white outfit. These are very tasteful and will become keepsake treasures. Ask your hospital to contact one of these groups in your area for you to see if this service is available. You can also take pictures in the hospital of you holding your baby or of just his or her little hands or feet to help you always remember what they looked like.
4) Put together a keepsake box of your child. This could include a blanket that the baby what bundled in at the hospital, a clip of hair, pictures, a tiny teddy bear, and any other memorabilia you can think of.
5)Plant a flower garden or tree in your child's name.
6)Write a letter to your child. This can be particularly healing and you can also gain closure to your grief by doing this. You can tell your child how much you love him or her and other hopes and thoughts you think they would want to know. Save this letter in a keepsake box or in some other special place.
7)Celebrate their birthday. Their is nothing wrong with celebrating the short life they did have. It doesn't matter if you lost your child at 16 weeks in utero or shortly after a full term delivery. They are your child and you can celebrate their birthday each year. Give a gift to another child, or visit their grave with flowers. My husband and like to set aside her birthday each year for remembrance. You can also celebrate their birthday each year by doing a kind act for someone.
8)Cry. Let it out as much as possible when you feel the need. If your alone and you don't want to be, call a friend to come over or go see a family member that has a soft shoulder to lean on. Your feelings are 100% real and need expressing. The more you hold them in the more detrimental it can become to your mental and emotional life.
9)Turn to your husband or family when dealing with your grief. Odds are they are feeling very sad too and you can comfort each other in turn. It is especially important to stay as close as possible to your husband. This kind of loss can easily tear a relationship apart. Take this loss as a que to talk to each other even more, find comfort in intimacy, and constantly be checking on the other person daily to see how they are doing.
10) Ignore unwelcome comments. Many people don't know what to say when someone else loses a baby and their comments may even come out sounding harsh or unfeeling.This can be especially jolting when they come from family members or friends. Most of the time the person does not realize what they are saying and actually means well. Ignore the comment as much as possible and change the conversation or you can choose to address the comment with a loving tone that lets the other person know how that comment makes you feel.
I hope that these ten ways to cope with the loss of an infant are helpful. I realize each loss is unique and requires its own route to healing. When I lost Anne I was forced to discover my own strength. To either grow that much stronger in my religious beliefs or shrink away from them. To grow closer to my husband or drift apart emotionally.
A couple of months after my loss I read a book that was given to me by a friend. It's called Gone Too Soon: The Life and Loss of Infants and Unborn Children, by Sherri Wittwer. As I was reading I was struck by a particular passage that said, "To experience the full spectrum of the most heart-wrenching emotions in the human experience and to still emerge triumphant is, indeed, the miracle." Getting through it is the miracle! As women we are not invincible. With all our divine strengths also comes great vulnerability. However, when we can allow both time and the grieving process to heal us, we can be transformed into our own miracle. Do whatever helps bring peace to your life.
It has now been about three and a half years since I lost Anne. We've since had two beautiful and healthy children. I'd give anything to also have Anne with me, and one day when my children are old enough to understand, I look forward to telling them about the sister they've never met. For now, I hold on to the memory of her little life that was once a part of me, to the belief that she will always be my daughter, and that someday I will see her and hold her in my arms again.
